Episode 27: "Draculohan"

''This week we’re digging through the pile of film mixed up all over Jess Franco’s cutting room floor to watch the 1971 “lezzie fiasco” VAMPYROS LESBOS! Nay fights for better dom top representation, Mark can’t get sand out of his crevasses, and Michael treats us all to his finest La Croix burp. Plus, in Tea Time we sip on THE DEVILS, QUEEN SUGAR, and THE CASE AGAINST ADNAN SYED!''

Trivia
Nay: Tonight we are coming at you straight from the island of Lesbos

Mark and Michael: (delighted gasps)

Michael: What am I doing here?

Mark: I know

Nay: Well, I hope you are ready to exfoliate every single inch of your body

Mark: Oh boy, I've got sand everywhere

Nay: Yeah, that's what's happening

Michael: It's deep in them crevices

Nay: In every single one

Topics brought up during the episode: Mother of a son with 4.2 GPA suing the schools her kid didn't get into as well as Felicity Huffman, Lori Loughlin, SCX, etc.; Lori Loughlin's daughter being on a yacht with a USC board member when the news broke; video of Lindsay Lohan attempting to kidnap/rescue a Syrian child

Tea Time
Michael: First episode of Adnan Syed documentary on HBO

Mark: The Devils

Nay: started binging Queen Sugar

Brennan: Kilometer 31; Kilometer 31-2

Shady Summaries
Nay: It's not shady, but I do have a summary.

Michael: I have a little summary, but it's probably not shady enough

Nay: Well, mine is, the overwhelming feeling that kept coming up for me while watching this and it was, "Vampyros Lesbos: An ode to how perfect women fucking women is."

Mark: Oh! Okay

Nay: And I know we're talking about murder and all kind of things like perfect, but also, eh, but also perfect. Yeah

Michael: Mine is just "Puffy boobs and dream-state sex."

Nay: Puffy boobs

Michael: Yeah. All the nipples were engorged and ignored, you know what I mean?

Mark: There are some angry nipples in this movie

Michael: I'm like, "Why would anyone-- come on, get the nips!"

Mark: Yeah

Michael: They're so ready!

Nay: I feel that. Get the nips, please

Michael: Right? Mine are so sensitive

Nay: ''Okay. Michael!''

Mark: Mine was, "Bram Stoker's Dracula as performed by the crew and guests of Lindsay Lohan's Beach House."

Nay: (laughs and claps) Yeah!

Pride Float
Nay: Does it get a "Plide" float? Does it get a Pride float?

Mark: I mean, I kind of just feel that the nightclub floor should be its own float

Michael: Oh yeah!

Nay: I'm here for that

Mark: Just like...

Michael: Candelabras everywhere?

Mark: I mean, yeah

Michael: And everyone's just exchanging panties?

Mark: Exactly

Nay: (laughing) Mmm-hmm

Quotes
Mark: I feel like if I was on the island of Lesbos, I would have to take on some kind of drag name, like it would be like Some Like it Hot,  and because of the beach, and like you said because of the exfoliation, I choose my name to be "Sandy Crevice".

Nay: Nice

Michael: I was thinking mine was "Sandy Vag"

Nay: Okay

Mark: Right to the point

Michael: Yeah

Nay: But as an actual lesbian, I don't need a drag name for the island, so…

Mark: No you don't

Nay: Nay it is

Mark: Do we pass?

Michael: Do either of you have a fake name that you use anywhere? Like Phoebe on Friends for instance was "Regina Phalange." And Karen on Will & Grace was "Anastasia Beaverhausen".

Nay: What was Lucy Ricardo's? Something McGillicuddy

Mark: Oh, her maiden name was McGillicuddy

Michael: And George Costanza's was "Art Vandelay"

Brennan: Oh yeah! I actually do have a fake name

Michael: You do?

Brennan: It's the name of the lead character in Animorphs, it's "Jake Bernstein".

Michael: Oh, okay

Brennan: 'Coz it sounds normal, so no one thinks about it

Michael: When I was in Palm Springs I had a fake name planned, 'cause I went by myself recently, if anyone asked me, I was just gonna make up stuff, like a whole different persona for me while I was there

Nay: Wow, Michael! Okay!

Michael: No one asked me

Mark and Nay: (laughing)

Nay: Damn

Mark: Awww

Michael: So

Brennan: This is Producer Brennan, by the way

Michael: Hi!

Mark: Hi, Producer Brennan

Brennan: But you can call me "Jake"

Nay: Call you what?

Brennan: "Jake"

Nay: I don't have a fake name. However, if I'm at a bar, or somewhere where I don't really care if the person knows my name or not, if they call me something that's not my name I just say, "Yeah". They'll be like, "What was it, Ray?" And I'm like, "Uh-huh!"

Brennan: That's what I do at Starbucks

Michael: Never gonna talk to you again?

Nay: Yeah, I'm just like, "Whatever. Like I don't even want to get into this with you." I'm like, "Yeah, sure. That's my name."

Mark: Yeah, I've been there. I mean today at Starbucks I was like, "Omar, yup that's me."

Brennan: They couldn't get Mark right?

Mark: I don't know if it's a… I dunno, I dunno

Brennan: All right

Mark: Omar though is a great name

Michael: It's a great name

Nay: It's true. Sexy, it's a sexy name

Brennan: It's just not "Mark"

Mark: It's better than "Mark"

Brennan: That's true

Michael: I like the name "Mark"

Mark: Really? Okay

Michael: I like all your names

Nay: Thank you

Michael: Including you, Ernie

Brennan: He looks so genuinely touched

Mark: He's like, "You really…"

Nay: Ernie, we love you

Michael: I love Ernie!

Nay: Yeah

Michael: We need to have an episode where Ernie partakes

Nay: Ernie you're gonna be our guest one of these nights

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Nay: It's gonna be so bomb

Michael: And you know, we need to have our great theme writer

Mark: Marcus?

Nay: Oh yeah, you need to bring Von Kiss on. Y'all can be the guests and that would be so dope

Mark: Pick a movie

Nay: Yeah

Michael: I bet Von could pick something wild

Nay: And also, Ernie, I'm thinking you must know so many things 'coz you listen to so many people talk all the time, so

Brennan: He has all the industry secrets

Nay: Yes! Okay, this is so exciting

Mark: I wanted you to be like, "Oh, I'm not listening."

Michael: I watched the first episode of the Adnan Syed documentary on HBO. I don't get the point of it, 'cause it's not-- I mean, it's only been one episode. I guess it's interesting (burps) excuse me, interesting to…

Mark: (laughing) You just straight-up burped

Michael: I just burped into my microphone. Couldn't help it

Nay: Smells like suntan oil

Michael: Yeah, coconut La Croix

Mark: Mmmm!

Michael: It was-- it's cool to see the people in his life up close and personal, and like their intimate spaces, and you see the pain his parents are going through. But as far as the case goes, I feel like we didn't learn any new information, but it was really cool to put faces to the voices you heard on Serial. The first episode just kinda goes over him and her, I'm blanking on the victim's name, but kind of how, the genesis of their relationship as a couple, and then the first episode ends on her murder essentially. So I think there's only three or four more, I think they're dropping every week like a traditional show, but yeah, I'm gonna keep watching. I have mixed feelings, I go back and forth, I'll be like, "Oh, he's totally innocent," and then I'll watch or hear something and I'll be like, "Oh yeah, he totally did it." But I do feel he never, if he did it or not, he never should have been-- the case never should have gone to court because they didn't have anything, I think, to even try him, let alone convict him, but uh, yeah. I've been on pain pills the last two days so I've done a lot of (moans delightedly). I was watching a movie yesterday and I realized I was looking at a painting for forty-five minutes. I'm totally kidding

Mark: (as Michael on pain pills) "I don't even know how I got here."

Michael: Oh, you're like looking in a mirror

Mark: I watched this Ken Russell movie from the early 1970s called The Devils. I hadn't seen it since college, but I watched it again, and it's not available on DVD or streaming. It was streaming on Shudder briefly, two years ago. For the uninitiated, it features crush emeritus Oliver Reed in Seventeenth century France as this progressive Father Hunky, who has like these super kind of progressive views on sex and marriage and whatever, and it's like the height of the plague. And Vanessa Redgrave plays the Mother Superior of the local convent, who is, she's a hunchback nymphomaniac virgin, who is so horny, she is so horny--

Michael: (laughing) I love that word

Mark: That she has the most deranged  broke sexual fantasies about Jesus, about Oliver Reed--

Nay: Wow. I need to get my hands on this

Michael: It sounds really good

Nay: It does

Michael: Do you own it?

Mark: I got a bootleg DVD, yeah

Nay: Niiice

Michael: Girl, that's even better

Nay: Right

Mark: And it's a pristine dub of a UK-- piracy is bad! But I mean, y'know, it's not like I didn't search high and low for a legit copy

Michael: Yeah

Nay: You did your due diligence

Michael: You can't really buy it, 'cause it's not really piracy 'cause you're not preventing them from getting your money

Mark: Exactly. And she is so sexually obsessed with--

Michael: I need to see this

Mark: She's so horny that she will like, sneak into a sewer to watch Oliver Reed preach or walk down the street, and she whips herself

Michael: Oh my God, I feel seen

Nay: Damn, that's horny horny

Mark: Oh my God. The performance has to be seen to be believed. It's one of the most balls-out crazy villain characters I've ever seen. Anyway, she's so horny for him, and she's so angry at what he conjures in her, that she basically tries to get him burned at the stake. I'm not gonna reveal--

Michael: What genre would you classify this, like horror at all?

Mark: A thriller, horror?

Michael: Can we do this as a live episode?

Mark: Religio-horror?

Nay: That sounds so good

Mark: Yeah! I mean, we actually could…

Michael: It sounds like a lot of fun

Mark: We actually could, we actually would be great. If you wanna see it, try to get ahold of the uncut version. It was originally rated "X" because it featured a scene of where the convent, all the women lose their minds in a sexual frenzy--

Nay: Fuck yeah

Mark: And there's a sequence called, "The Rape of Christ" that has to be seen to be believed

Michael: I need to see this movie stat

Nay: Yeah. Now I'm horny

Michael: Yeah

Mark: So yeah, The Devils. It's good, it's one of Ken Russell's most legendary--

Michael: It sounds bomb

Nay: Yeah

Mark: Legendary crazy movies. I mean, there's a lot of nuns getting raped, in just like the Ken Russell oeuvre

Michael: That doesn't sound great

Mark: Like Lair of the White Worm is a lot of that, and then Women in Love, well, Women in Love doesn't have that, it has Oliver Reed wrestling Alan Bates naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fire… [E/N: Video link could be considered NSFW.]

Michael: I've seen that

Nay: Aspirational

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Mark: It is a beautiful movie. So yeah that's what I've been watching

Nay: I started binging Queen Sugar

Michael: I hear that's great

Nay: ''Oh. My. God''.

Michael: Yeah?

Nay: I love this show

Michael: Oooh!

Nay: I guess because for the most part, if I sit down at my computer, I'm either gonna watch The Office (US) or look up a horror movie, for the most part. And so I think I hadn't just watched a show with so many Black people in so long, like a new show that I hadn't seen before? And it was just, had the most refreshing effect, like I just-- ahhh, it felt so good. And on top of that, I mean, however,actually at the same time, the issues that are brought up in the show are so stressful because they're so realistic, and I just, I found myself not crying at every episode, but almost every episode, like bursting into tears

Michael: Wow

Nay: Yeah

Michael: That's powerful

Nay: Yeah

Michael: That's on OWN, right?

Nay: I am watching it on Hulu, but yeah

Michael: Is that Tyler Perry?

Nay: No. God, no

Mark: No, Ava DuVernay

Michael: It is Ava DuVernay

Nay: Oh my God, yeah. It is Ava, it's not Tyler

Michael: I thought he did at least one like, semi-serious show on that network

Nay: He probably has

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Definitely not this show, 'coz it's not like, just women trying to solve their problems with Jesus and a husband. Like that's what Tyler does

Mark: My favorite is the one, oh God, what was it? It was about fidelity, or rather infidelity

Nay: "Medea Loses Her Virginity"?

Michael: "Medea's Side Piece?"

Mark: No, it was a non-Medea offering. But if memory serves, the heroine has an affair--

Michael: She gets HIV

Mark: Yes

Brennan: Is it Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor?

Mark: Uhhh..

Nay: That's a whole name

Brennan: It is

Michael: I know exactly which one you're talking about, yeah

Mark: The movie basically ends with her barefoot, pointless, in a church--

Michael: You cheat on your husband--

Mark: HIV-positive, as though that in and of itself is like a-- as though a HIV diagnosis is, you know, the end of the line

Nay: Right

Michael: Right

Nay: Absurd

Mark: Soooooo yeah

Michael: Or that if you commit an infidelity you're given it

Nay: That is just so disgusting and ill-informed, I hate that

Mark: It was-- it's the type of movie where you sort of find yourself turning it off and then like wanting to check the calendar to make sure what year you're in?

Michael: Yeah, I remember someone did a Twitter thread on that movie, and I thought it was satire. And so I went and looked it up and I was like, "Holy shit that's the plot of a movie." And I think it starred like a big actress, right?

Mark: Yeah

Michael: Was it Taraji? Possibly?

Mark: No

Nay: Love Tyler

Mark: It was an actress who deserved a lot better

Michael: My friend used to work on those movies, well, he worked for Lionsgate, but…

Mark: It was Jurnee Smollett-Bell

Michael: Oh, wow, yeah! That's right. It was what she did right after Friday Night Lights

Brennan: Kim Kardashian has a role in it

Mark: Mmm-kay

Nay: Well, this movie is speaking for itself right now

Michael: My friend said that (Tyler) would shoot his movies on his lunch break from his TV shows, and he would shoot them over like, nine days

Nay: Wow

Michael: They would shoot like ten or eleven pages a day, in like an hour-and-a-half

Mark: Listen. I respect that level of like Roger Corman "Get it done" type attitude, I get it. However.

Nay: However, was he filming more than one movie at the same time, not telling actors that they were in this movie but they're actually in that movie and then not paying them either, because that is what...

Mark: And then in the editing rooms, tripping and spilling all of the raw footage from the day's shoots, from different things, and then trying to piece them together from memory and then screening them

Nay: Yep

Mark: He's good in Gone Girl, though. He's real good in Gone Girl

Nay: I wish he would go, girl, though. Be gone

Michael: He is good in Gone Girl, that's right

Mark: You know what it's time for now, probably

Michael and Mark singing the beat of  "My Sharona", ending with "La Llorona!"

Brennan: Ah, thank you. Here's your twenty bucks

Mark: Thank you

Brennan: Yeah, welcome to "Producer Brennan's La Llorona Corner"

Michael: (laughing) Mark! He put it in his boobies

Brennan: This one's actually a double feature 'cause both of the movies weren't interesting enough to talk about individually.

Mark: Oh, wow

Michael: You watched the first half of one and the second half of the other? That would be fun

Brennan: Oh no, I commit, Michael.

Michael: I know you do

Brennan: I watched all of each of them and they were longer than my preferred runtime of eighty-six minutes

Michael: Mmmkay

Brennan: Anyway. The first is 2006's Kilometer 31, stylized "KM 31". It's not a metric spinoff of 8 Mile as you might assume. It's basically…

Mark: (chuckling) Oh my God

Nay: (laughing) Thank God!

Michael: What about Mile 22? Wasn't that a movie?

Brennan: (gasps) It was! Last year, and I already forgot about it

Michael: Mark Wahlberg, right?

Brennan: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Yeah, we can forget about that easily

Nay: Byeeee

Brennan: Anyway…

Mark: I blackout every time I hear his name

Nay: Right?

Mark: Right

Brennan: Yeah. There's basically a specific kilometer of this highway that's going through the Desiertos de los Leones, which is "The Desert of the Lions". But basically a lot of terrible car crashes occur, and spoiler alert I guess, like the midway spoiler point, the road runs along the same river where La Llorona drowned her children a long time ago

Mark: I knew it! I knew it!

Brennan: I know

Michael: (sighs) It's that river

Mark: She's just trouble

Brennan: This movie is like-- the reason this movie exists is that four years before Gore Verbinski made The Ring (2002), the director was like, "I could remake The Ring."

Mark: Oh!

Brennan: Honestly, he wasn't a hundred percent wrong, he was like fifty-five percent wrong

Michael: Mmm-kay

Brennan: Because it's a beautiful movie, it's well executed. There's a lot of really great scare gags that are very subtle, like they play with shadow

Michael: Oh, I love that

Brennan: Like the next hospital bed over, you see the shadow of a woman who isn't there. And it's very, you know, kind of classical Haunting stuff. Also, there's a CGI ghost boy because of The Grudge (2002), no he's not CGI but other stuff's CGI and it's not, it's 2006 CGI. It's not great

Nay: Ugh, I love The Grudge

Brennan: There is kind of a psychosexual love triangle between this girl, her twin sister's boyfriend and this Spaniard who's in love with her.

Nay: (chuckles) Okay

Brennan: And speaking of the Spaniard, he's played by the handsome man we alluded to last episode, Adrià Collado

Michael: Mmmmm!

Brennan: I will post pictures of him

Michael: Mmm-hmm!

Mark: Or as we call him here on Queerwolf, "Papá"

Brennan: Yes. He's not quite at his "Papi" stage in this movie yet--

Michael: He'll get there, he'll get there

Brennan: Because it was thirteen years ago, but he is currently there and it's beautiful. Yeah, it's a totally fine movie, it's like a spin on combining Mexican folklore with J-Horror, and it's very interesting. It's just that in the style of a lot of J-Horror, it doesn't make a lot of sense, especially in the third act and it kind of falls apart. But I also watched the 2016 ten years later sequel…

Michael: Legacy sequel?

Brennan: No, honestly it is literally a direct sequel with most of the same cast members, same director, but just so much worse. It's called Kilometer 31-2, as if it needed to be more confusing

Michael: (amused) Jesus. "Kilometer 32" is staring you right in the face. Call it that!

Brennan: I know. I really-- it's a mess

Michael: "2 Kilometer 2 31"?

Brennan: Our boy has a small role. La Llorona shows up by water dripping backwards up, which is pretty cool, like out of a puddle

Nay: Scary

Mark: Mixing it up

Brennan: No, that's a cool thing, but it's mostly--

Mark: It's like, "I've done bathtubs, I've done rivers…"

Michael: "I'm gonna go up!"

Brennan: "But puddles…"

Mark: What's a Llorona to do?

Michael: "I'm gonna up puddle this bitch."

Brennan: I know

Mark: Gotta reinvent

Michael: She reinvents herself

Brennan: She really does. And that's what I find most interesting actually about this marathon is that every single Llorona movie is different. And it makes sense, because they're made by completely different people, just based on the same basic idea, which you can do anything with, which is why it's interesting. But this one's more of a hard-boiled detective movie 'coz it follows a detective character from the first one, and he has to like, "reopen the case because seven children go missing from this neighborhood every seven years or some shit". And literally the working theory that the police have is that it's the work of a group they have dubbed "The Seven Missing Children Gang", which just sounds like a children's book, like a chapter book

Michael: It sounds very lazy

Mark: Is that like The Boxcar Children?

Brennan: Yeah!

Michael: That's a lot to say

Brennan: Yeah, it is. It takes way too long to discover the exact same shit as the first movie, and it's the same guy! So it's like, "You know." And also they just do a bunch of Poltergeist (1982) rip-off shit like, "We put a machine in the room and we're gonna look at it and it's gonna be real scary."

Mark: Into it

Brennan: That one… kinda sucked. But the first one was fine

Mark: All right. How many remaining La Llorona features remain on your kill list?

Brennan: There are four more, and then there's the new one coming out

Michael: I was gonna say, is your goal to end with the new one?

Brennan: Yes! Absolutely

Michael: Okay

Nay: That's smart

Brennan: And also there is also the Redbox rip-off of the new one that comes out a week before, so

Michael: From The Asylum?

Brennan: Actually, no! It's a film that was originally created in 2013 called The Cry: The La Llorona Investigation. It never got a release--

Michael: I just rolled my eyes

Brennan: A production company picked it up, it was made by some Texas theater owner who never really did anything with it, and they're like, "We're gonna call it The La Llorona Curse instead of The Curse of La Llorona and make some money."

Mark: I mean, I'm gonna go see Lindsey Weir versus La Llorona. I'm ready

Michael: Yeah!

Mark: I'm into it. I'm a big Cardellini fan

Michael: I'll watch that

Brennan: Yeah. I mean, I can't stop now, I'm definitely gonna see it

Michael: Yeah

Mark: Can't stop, won't stop

Michael: Don't wanna stop. (Singing to the beat of "My Sharona" ending with "La Llorona!")

Nay and Brennan: Awww

Mark: Awww, sad. It was like all alone!

Michael: I'm like fucking Aunt Becky over here

Mark: You're trapped in the--

Michael: Oh God. (sings) "All by myself…"

Mark: Oh God, that show. I felt like I was tripping, looking at headlines the other day going like, "Lori Loughlin surrenders to FBI".

Michael: I can't wrap my head around it

Mark: "Hallmark Channel servers ties with Lori Loughlin!" I was just like, Jesus!

Michael: But when you look at that, it's like she cost so many people jobs, 'coz she had stuff in development and pre-production that her company was gonna do. I don't get it. Can someone explain to me, like so, her daughter takes pictures like she's on the crew team, so is that then Stanford saying like, "Oh, she's gonna be on our crew team and we'll give her a scholarship for that?" Is that the crap that her family was doing or was it like extracurriculars?

Nay: I have no idea

Mark: I have no clue, I just know that a lot of money changed hands in order to--

Michael: Five hundred grand in their case

Mark: Purchase a spot

Michael: Admission

Nay: Wow

Mark: Because I assume the kids on their own did not have the academic or extracurricular bonafides to acquire admission on their own

Michael: Right. Yep. I was reading an article on The Thread and people who went to high school with (Lori Loughlin's daughter Olivia Jade) were like, "We always wondered how she got into USC because she never went to school."

Nay: Wow

Michael: Like she didn't go to high school ever

Nay: Oh my God

Michael: 'Cause she was "doin' her brand"

Nay: I love this meme generation that is roasting this story right now.

Michael: It's so clever

Nay: I love it every time the internet starts roasting things through memes, but it feels so satisfying because, when was I undergrad, like eleven years ago? I remember always feeling sometimes with people saying things and sometimes with me just feeling that's what they thought, that people didn't think I deserved to be there. Or that like I got in because of Affirmative Action and whatnot. It's not a surprise that rich people were paying for their kids to get into college, like no one is shocked by that

Michael: Right

Mark: (coughing) Jared Kushner!

Michael: Yeah, like all the Trump kids

Nay: Like, "Oh my God, rich people paying to get their way? I'm shocked."

Michael: Just conveniently put 1.5 million dollars into the school's trust the year before their kid's at the school

Nay: Right. It's like no one thought George W. Bush got into--

Michael: Went to two Ivy League schools?

Nay: Yeah, because he's brilliant. No, that's not what happened

Michael: Right

Nay: No, it's not shocking, but I love these memes that are happening roasting them and I also love the larger conversation that's happening about poor folks, especially poor Black and Brown folks who have gone to jail for listing the wrong address so their kid could go to a better school of their choice. All of these things that are coming up, whether it's people of color and Affirmative Action, I just love all the conversation that's happening on the side of being like, "Oh yeah, we're talking about this high scale scandal, but here's a meme, not a meme, but here's a picture of a woman who has been in prison for five years because she was homeless and put this address so her kid could go to this school, and it's just--

Michael: Right, five years

Nay: Yeah. And I love it. No, I don't love that situation, I love this conversation we're having

Michael: Xavier, who was on the show, he was talking about how for him, he said instances where the default setting for when they see him in USC Film School is that he didn't deserve to be there because of the color of his skin. And it's just like the whole-- it's a mess, and it's funny, you know, but at the same time it is definitely opening up a conversation that has needed to be had for a really long time

Michael: And then Lori Loughlin's daughter was on a yacht when the story broke, with one of the board members of USC. Like her friend's dad is a board member at USC, and she was on his yacht when the story broke

Nay: Well well well

Brennan: I demand a one-act play

Michael: "The Yacht"?

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: Yeah, I'm just so confused, like what were they doing? Photoshopping them onto soccer fields? Is this college recruiting them to play soccer without seeing-- I don't get it

Mark: No, I think--

Michael: It's about the resume

Mark: I believe in certain cases that would be sort of the red herring, that's not the right term, but the thing that would enable them to acquire admission even though they would never play

Michael: It's so interesting

Nay: Ohhhhh

Mark: Yeah

Nay: That's like an even bigger "Fuck you" to people who do get in on a sports scholarship

Michael: Right! My sister went to college on a volleyball scholarship, and like she had to do a lot of work to make that happen

Nay: Yeah

Michael: You know what I mean?

Nay: Totally

Michael: Anyway

Nay: Volleyball is bomb by the way

Michael: I played in college

Nay: I fuckin' love volleyball. I played in middle school and high school

Michael: I coached it

Nay: Cute!

Michael: Back before I moved out here

Nay: I'm looking for like, pick-up games for volleyball in L.A.

Michael: It's fun

Nay: That would be something I'm into

Mark: (as one of the mean girls from Carrie) "Hit it to Carrie! She'll blow it!" (As a girl on Carrie's team) "Don't blow it, hit it!" (Disappointed) "Aww, Carrie!"

Michael: Every time I see volleyball though in a scripted show or a movie, I'm always angry 'coz it's so bad. It's not real volleyball. Like that scene in Top Gun? Get out of my face

Brennan: You watched that scene for the volleyball?

Michael: Yes

Mark: You're like, "That was out of bounds!"

Michael: "That wasn't a lift, that was a double hit! He touched the net!"

Nay: (laughing) You fucking nerd! Oh my God!

Michael: "The net was too low…"

Nay: Oh, touching the net…

Mark: "Get me Paramount on the phone right now!"

Michael: "Get me the Cruise!"

Nay: Anyway, back to this island that we're on

Michael: With sand in our… cracks

Mark: Right, my name is--

Nay: It's really irritating

Mark: (sotto voce) My name is "Sandy Crevice"

Michael: Hi Sandy!

Mark: Hi!

Nay: Oh my God. What if I just like-- cool story. So my last name is Bevver (pronounced "beaver"), right, so at first I was just like, "What if I just said Sandy Beaver…"

Michael: Into it

Mark: I mean--

Nay: But then I was like, my mom used to tell this joke

Michael: Be the Sandies?

Nay: Okay, y'all are so gross. My mom--

Michael: DAB?

Nay: Yeah, DAB, used to tell this joke, "I almost named my kids," I have a brother, "Harry and Rosie, ha-ha-ha. So they would be like Harry Bevver and Rosie Bevver." And I remember I used to laugh. And then when I got older, I was like, "Bitch, Rosie?" (laughing) Like, "Rosie Bevver?" I dunno! I just feel like I can't ask the questions I really wanna ask, because I'm just not gonna ask 'em

Michael: Yeah, I've never heard of--

Mark: Yeah, what's a "Rosie Beaver"?

Nay: I don't know!

Brennan: I think that's what Carrie got in that first scene

Mark: Awww

Nay: True, that could be one

Mark: That's true

Nay: Or also just like maybe--

Michael: Oh, eww!

Nay: When blood rushes to people's genitals

Brennan: That does happen, I've heard

Nay: Yeah, that's a thing, right? I dunno

Mark: Impossible!

Nay: "Rosie? Rosie sweetie?"

Michael: "Come here, little Rosie Beaver!"

Mark: There's a lot of rosie beavers in tonight's moving pictures

Nay: Okay? In this film that I love so much. Mark, thank you for being like, "We need to talk about Vampyros Lesbos."

Mark: Oh God, as close as you can get to a screensaver. Love it

Michael: We don't have a trailer, do we?

Brennan: I have this

Michael: Play it

(Brennan plays a brief excerpt from the Spanish-language trailer)

Brennan: That's about all you get

Michael: Into it

Nay: What was the year? The year was 1971

Mark: It was

Nay: What-- you know what I meant to look up was how many films had Jess Franco made before Vampyros Lesbos

Mark: I believe like five, maybe

Nay: And out of the what, hundred and sixty, hundred and ninety…

Michael: Yeah, make it a hundred and ninety-five

Nay: Yeah, so this was super early in his career

Mark: Yep

Michael: His peak years, I actually have it here somewhere

Nay: Ohhh, his "peak years"

Mark: That's not true, actually, he made--

Michael: Forty or fifty before then, right?

Nay: Damn

Mark: You know what if you make a hundred and fifty movies in your career, you definitely-- and you start in 1960-- no, 1959

Michael: So he made his first film at twenty-nine. Well, in Seventy-one alone, he made six. And then he made seven in 'Seventy-two, and he made eleven in 1973

Nay: Okay. Well, no wonder he would be like doing them at the same time and not telling people that's what he was doing

Michael: Yeah. So did you know that?

Mark: No, I did not. So Jess Franco the director, would literally like have an actor come in, they'd film their death scene and then he would shoot it in a different way, so they'd film two death scenes and the only actor-- like one performer after awhile grew suspicious and demanded to know why he'd been called upon to play two different death scenes in the same afternoon. And Franco would tell them stuff like, "Oh this movie's meant to be dreamlike, so it shouldn't make sense because the movie's like a dream and dreams don't make sense."

Mark: Jess Franco, scam queen

Michael: Yeah, in truth he would pilfer scenes from one project while shooting another

Mark: Ugh!

Michael: But he was charming enough that the actors would get mad and then be like, "You know what?" In fact, a Swiss mogul named Erwin Dietrich, who was his money man for awhile, he'd go through money men at like big chunks of time

Nay: Burning bridges, right?

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Mark: I believe it

Michael: He discovered Franco used money and actors from one of his productions to shoot a similar movie fifteen miles down the coast at the same time

Nay: Yooooo

Michael: And this mogul found him so charming that when asked about it, he goes, "Well, at least he gave me the good one."

Nay: Oh my God

Mark: Ohhh

Michael: So that's the way he looked at it

Nay: Jesús the scammer

Michael: Kind of like, you know what? Get it, Jess

Mark: I mean, no wonder he's been compared to Ed Wood

Michael: Yes

Mark: More than just because he has a tenuous sort of grip on basic storytelling

Michael: Someone once asked him what is his least favorite thing about making movies, and he said, "I don't like any of my movies 'cause none of them are any good."

Nay: Oh, okay. But have the nerve to make so many

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Like, what? Okay

Michael: Yeah, so, but he had always secretly wished he had made his like, Citizen Kane, I guess when he died, that was one of his biggest regrets

Nay: God, putting that in perspective with him making so many films and his vibe, which I don't know his vibe, but what I imagine his creepy vibe to be--

Michael: From Memmet?

Nay: Exactly. From Memmet, the creepiest person in the film

Mark: For the uninitiated, Jess Franco plays Memmet in Vampyros Lesbos, a character who is combination bellboy-slash…

Michael: Rosary-holder-slash…

Mark: Rosary-enthusiast-slash-basement-torturer?

Nay: (indistinct) Dom top

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Mark: Yeah, it's really, it's a set of multi-pronged…

Nay: It's like, "How dare you make dom tops look creepy like that? That's just rude."

Mark: I know

Nay: But he was known for being charming? He must have been…

Michael: I mean, from what these people--

Mark: He must have buttered people--

Nay: You right, he must have been

Michael: I mean, to make a hundred and ninety-five films. And so I guess what he would do is find someone to finance 'em and he would use their financing until they hated it. But it was always for like, pretty big stretches at a time. Like one of 'em was nine years long--

Nay: Wow

Michael: Until he burned the bridge. You think about it, nine years, he probably made about ninety movies.

Mark: Wow

Michael: He averaged about nine films a year across his career, based on when he started 'til, through how many he made

Nay: I wonder...

Mark: Yeah. I just-- halfway through the movie, Soledad Miranda who plays, first of all, a vampire called "Nadine" in this movie. "Nadine the vampire"

Michael: Linda Westinghouse

Mark: Linda Westinghouse! "Hello, my name is Linda Westinghouse." Amazing name by the way

Michael: Did anyone know she was supposed to be playing a lawyer? I never picked up on that

Nay: I knew she worked at a firm, but I didn't know that she was a lawyer

Michael: Yeah, according to some recaps I read, she was a lawyer. Anyway, Mark…

Mark: I just started calling-- at one point Nadine...

Michael: (deep voice) "Nadine!"

Mark: Nadine the vampire has started, Countess Nadine-- I forgot her name halfway through the movie and I just started calling her "Draculohan"

Nay: Yup

Michael: (laughing) Nay's face!

Nay: Yup. "This is how you throw a party on Mykonos, bitch!" Draculohan, yes!

Michael: Oh fuck, that's good

Nay: I love Lindsay Lohan, my God

Mark: Speaking of, I don't wanna cast aspersions, but there's something scammer-esque…

Michael: About her club?

Mark: I don't know!

Michael: That shit shut down the moment they took those cameras away

Mark: Really? Closed down? Is that true?

Michael: Yes! That shit was fuckin' emptier than I don't even know. As soon as those cameras were gone, that place had tumbleweeds blowin' through it

Mark: I'm sorry, but watching the movie last night and the very-- that weird floor show wurlitzer kind of mirror and candelabra thing, I was like, "Draculohan." This is just like Lindsay Lohan dancing around

Nay: I love it

Michael: Yesterday when Instagram and Facebook were down for twelve hours, she was tweeting to Donald Trump about being hacked by the Russians

Nay: She was like, "Instagram, get in touch with me."

Michael: She lives in her own world!

Nay: Mmm-hmm! The alternate universe…

Mark: Is it true she kidnapped a Syrian child?

Michael: She tried to

Nay: Wow

Mark: Like in Moscow?

Michael: She thought she was rescuing it from parents

Nay: Dear God

Michael: So she was doing one of two things

Mark: Oh man

Michael: She was either trying to kidnap a child or she was being extremely racist

Nay: Okay, well, a little bit of this, a little bit of that

Mark: Do we have to pick?

Nay: Linds!

Mark: Is there a Venn diagram kind of situation?

Mark: Fame is a hell of a drug

Nay: I was just thinking that the alternative universe that rich people live in is just like, "Wow. Okay."

Mark: (Lindsay's) mother Dina was on Wendy Williams

Michael: Oh, really?

Nay: Oh, God

Mark: Yeah, recently, and talking about how she knew her new beau that she met on Instagram--

Nay: I mean (as Wendy Williams) "How you doin'?"

Michael: Ohhh yeah, and they were together for four years

Mark: I was in the waiting room waiting for an appointment and I was like, "Why is this on? I'm--" Don't look at me like that

Michael: You were interning at the show

Mark: (laughs) My day job?

Nay: Oh my God

Mark: Fetching coffee for Wendy Williams?

Nay: I used to fuckin' love Wendy. When I was in grad school, and had a weird schedule that meant that I could like watch that in the middle of the day, I was in grad school in Boston, I wanted to go down to New York for a taping so bad

Michael: Yeah

Nay: (as Wendy Williams) "How you doin'? How you doin'?"

Michael: I had an ex that really loved her, so we would watch it and it was highly entertaining any time I watched the show, but that was like nine years ago

Nay: But I'm like, high-key over it

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah. Not happening

Mark: She had a shelf life

Michael: (Dina) talked about her boyfriend on Celebrity Big Brother, and she had never seen him in person

Mark: I dunno. I just know that it drove me to like, suicidal depression. I was just like-- you know how sometimes you see things where you're just like--

Michael: "This is it!"

Mark: You're already like a little bit like, "All right, now we're not gonna give in to the blues today." And then you see, (as Dina Lohan) "I met him on Instagram. He's really down to earth."

Michael: Oh my God, Dina Lohan?

Mark: And you just, I just wanna--

Nay: Damn Dina, triggering all of us

Michael: Whenever someone says her name, I can only imagine her sitting at a bar, a TGI Friday's bar alone drinking Long Island iced teas. That's how I picture her

Mark: Oh God. See, that's the thing, that's just--

Michael: Or like a Fuddruckers or something

Nay: Fuck yes

Mark: Fame is a terrible thing to happen to people and families. Like they might have had a perfectly--

Michael: Yeah, poor Lindsay had no chance, that upbringing

Mark: Oh God

Nay: Well, I'm ready to ruin some lives, okay?

Mark: I feel bad, I feel bad now

Michael: No, don't! She's had a lot of chances

Nay: Don't feel bad. You literally brought up the best thing I've heard, which is "Draculohan"

Michael: Yeah, it's making a lot of people happy. I will go on to predict that is what is tweeted most at us when this episode drops

Nay: (laughing) Draculohan?

Michael: And please, someone make a Draculohan picture. Thank you

Nay: Yes please, someone do

Mark: This is how we talk about...

Nay: This fucking vampire party in Mykonos, okay?

Mark: So, what happens in this lezzie fiasco?

Nay: I mean, I feel like-- (chuckles) "Lezzie Fiasco," my stage name

Mark: Your stage name?

Nay: Yaaaas! "Coming to you straight from Lezzie Fiasco." I am both. I think, to me, what is most striking-- I know I already mentioned how perfect it is when women fuck women, but the kind of hysteria that happens when they're like, fiending for Nadine and the writhing and the moaning and the cumming--

Mark: Oh God

Nay: And the like, just how distraught--

Michael: Yes

Nay: They are about it

Michael: It's like peeing and an orgasm at the same time

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Writhing

Nay: I know we talk a lot about what people will do for the "D" or like, what anyone will do for the good sex that they want, and this movie is no different

Mark: But what people will do for the Nadine

Nay: (laughing) "The Nadine?" Oh, okay.

Michael: "The Nadine?"

Nay: What people will do for the Nadine, right. Losing their shit. But also it made me think so much about-- and everyone probably has, I was gonna say hopeful and then I'm like, actually that's none of my business. But I feel like a lot of people have a moment where they finally start having the sex that they want to be having, hopefully. Whether it's like, "Oh, I'm a queer person and I was not having queer sex," or like, "I wasn't having consensual sex and now I am." Whatever the case may be, when you finally fuck the way you wanna fuck and then that shit gets ripped away from you, you will act up--

(Everyone laughs)

Nay: You will act up, and I feel like--

Michael: Sex is a drug too, man

Nay: For sure, for sure. And I feel like for myself and I dunno, probably a lot of queer women, when you finally are having sex with women and it's a good experience, it's-- God, just what a blessing. And that is not a word I ever wanna use, but how else could I describe being queer and having queer sex? I think that that's fucking amazing

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Mark: And listen, I love, I love that you're coming to the table loving this movie like, unabashedly because two things were crossing my mind as I was watching it. One was that, "Oh, I admire how the film captures the tedium of the life of the vampire."

Nay: True

Mark: And that I was like (snores) "Eh, what?" I would literally like almost start to drift away and then be like, "Oh, okay. All right." And then the other thing was that I love that you enjoy the representations of lesbian sex because to me, I was like, "Countess Nadine looks like she moves so slowly." I was like, "Is she buffering the whole time?"

Michael: Yeah

Nay: True

Mark: She's just constant-- yeah

Michael: Put this on slo-mo?

Mark: Slo-mo! At all times! And she loved doing sort of Hedwig-like carwash move, where like whether it was her stage show or whatever, she would just like, "Stand over me and I'm going to scoot myself--"

Nay: I'm going to die. The weirdest fucking shit I've ever seen

Mark: "To get like, the undercarriage shot"?

Nay: You know what? I know how silly all that is--

Mark: I know. It's campy as fuck

Nay: I know. However, I was still thinking when she was doing that under the carriage car wash move, I was like, "What a lovely view. Honestly, wouldn't have thought to do that Jess, but thanks for the idea."

Michael: "Thanks for the tip?"

Mark: Listen. Nadine is easy on the eyes

Michael: She sure is

Nay: Oh yeah. For sure

Mark: And I mean-- did you guys know that she died right after in a car wreck

Nay: Ugh, so tragic

Michael: Oh no shit. She was like one of his go-to actresses, too

Mark: Yeah, she broke and then she fucking died tragically

Michael: Oh, that's terrible

Mark: Yeah, it's so fucked up

Michael: That's so fucked up. Linda was really pretty, too

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Nay: Mmm-hmm

Michael: Although she was bruised from head-to-toe

Mark: Yeah, I don't think that Jess Franco knew that HD was on the way, and sometimes--

Michael: I'm like, "I wanna get her out of her home!"

Mark: When Nadine finally seduces her in that room and she takes off her top, I was like, "Oh my God, that's a really nasty sunburn!"

Nay: Oh my God, same!

Michael: Yeah. It's like the bottom of her feet are burnt. Stop giving us that angle

Mark: Oh my God. Give her some aloe! Good lord!

Michael: I did love love love love that she goes there and has like, a little tiny bag and that's like the only thing she brings--

Nay: Right

Mark: (as Linda) "I've traveled to Turkey with my luggage!" (normal voice) In just like, a makeup case

Michael: Yeah

Nay: She's like, "I ain't wearin' no clothes."

Michael: That's true! She wears the same dress the whole time. But I love that the first thing she does-- because I imagined this would always be my first experience when like, buying a house or going to get papers from a realtor, that you go skinny-dipping together?

Nay: Yeah! That makes sense. Yeah

Michael: (laughing) I loved it! It's like, "Wait a minute!"

Mark: (as the realtor) "You know, you've had a long trip."

Michael: (as the realtor) "Do you just wanna take it all off?"

Mark: (as the realtor) "Why don't you-- what do you think-- what would you say if I told you, we could take our clothes off and get wet."

Michael: (as the realtor) "Step in the ocean, I don't have any towels."

Mark: (as the realtor) "No towels."

Michael: (as the realtor) "So you have to dry off on the sand."

Mark: (as the realtor) "I want you to lie down on the sand…"

Nay: (as the realtor) "And then flip over."

Michael: Pancake yourself

Mark: Straight-up pancake

Nay: Exactly

Michael: I fuckin' love it!

Mark: (softly) Oh my God

Nay: You know, when I was watching that, I was thinking, I was like,  "Am I the only--" I just was so uncomfortable thinking about the sand and how much I love the beach but still have a war with sand

Michael: Yeah

Mark: (laughing) The war with sand?

Nay: (laughing) The war with sand

Michael: You think you've cleaned yourself free of sand…

Nay: Oh. Your asshole's gonna tell you different

Michael: Yeah. Something's falling out when you get home

Mark: So listen. When Linda was in that standing position, I was literally like, there's a lot of sand that's gonna tumble out…

Michael: Somebody gonna build a sandcastle?

Mark: It's gonna sound like somebody spilled a bag of kitty litter on the floor. It's just gonna be loud, it's gonna be a thud.

Nay: Yo. That's-- Uh-huh. You ever taken a shower after the beach? "Thud thud thud."

Michael: Yeah!

Nay: Sand is dropping. Like, the "Is it just me?" Is because I have so much ass, I'm like, "Why is there so much sand?!?! Like what the fuck?"

Mark: But seriously…

Michael: Nadine was like, tits down in that sand

Nay: Yeah

Mark: Yeah! She was just--

Nay: She can do whatever she wants

Michael: Yeah, she even made it look good when she--

Nay: When she had that pole?

Michael: I mean, she looked good even when she had sand all over her face and her hair in her eyes, I was like, "She still looks good!"

Mark: Listen. I have to say that Countess Nadine is a--

Michael: (amused) "Countess Nadine"

Mark: A feminist hero, because if you can get Count Dracula to leave you everything?

Nay: Okay?

Mark: Thank you

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Right? The Drac-ster

Nay: Cha-ching

Mark: Linda was like, (as Linda) "Who's Count Dracula?"

Nay: Right

Mark: And I was like, what? What universe does this movie take place in? (as Linda) "Anyway, he left you everything, that's pretty wild!"

Nay: For real

Mark: But that's a boss bitch move

Nay: Oh yeah

Mark: To be like, (as Nadine) "Oh, Count Dracula? Mmm yeah, I knew him. He's my ex."

Nay: "The Count Dracula"

Mark: (chuckling) "The Dracula"

Nay: "Of Hungary, like, left this to me."

Michael: The movie was gorgeous.

Nay: It was gorgeous

Michael: Like a beautiful...

Mark: It reminded me of-- it made me wanna watch Anna Biller movies

Nay: Hmmm!

Mark: Have you guys seen The Love Witch?

Michael: Mmm-mmm

Mark: Ohhhhhh, we need to do The Love Witch!

Nay: What year was that?

Mark: It was 2016

Brennan: Yeah

Michael: Oh really? That recent?

Mark: Anna Biller, she did a movie called Viva and The Love Witch, just check out her trailers on YouTube. You can rent, I believe you can rent both of those on iTunes and The Love Witch might actually be on Netflix. But she does these sort of letter-perfect recreations of Sixties-early-Seventies kitsch that are--

Nay: Oh, cool. Love it

Michael: Oh, that room with the hanging tassels, right?

Nay: With the red?

Mark: Oh my God

Nay: The red in that movie

Mark: For the love of Suspiria

Nay: True

Mark: The tassels room, I was like, "Uh-huh."

Michael: Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I immediately thought of the tassel room when you said Sixties and Seventies kitsch

Nay: Uch, I loved that room

Michael: So are a lot of her movies set in that time, or she just goes for that facade?

Mark: Well, interestingly enough The Love Witch is not technically set period, and yet every single aspect from the telling to the music to the styling, I mean it's just-- she's just an auteur

Michael: Very influenced. I love it, that's great

Mark: She's an auteur

Michael: Nay, come over and watch that with me

Nay: Yes!

Mark: Guys listening, folks, if you haven't seen Anna Biller movies, you need to. They are truly mind-boggling

Michael: Someone needs to find a place where Mark can program

Nay: True

Michael: Like at a theater. I'm serious

Nay: Mmm-hmm. Get on it, everyone

Michael: They need to give you a month at the NewBev

Nay: (gasps) Whoa

Mark: (laughing) Did you just? Get out of here!

Michael: I just call there and I'm like, "Can you…?"

Nay: And the NewBev needs to give me a seat that fits my body, mmmkay, since we're talkin' about it

Michael: The NewBev, that place-- Love the NewBev, but… their lineup--

Mark: Only for Katt Shea-Ruben. That was-- it was worth it for Katt Shea-Ruben for sure

Brennan: Katt Shea has a movie out in theaters right now

Michael: Doesn't she?

Brennan: Yeah, Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase

Nay: That's right, she talked about that

Michael: Nancy Drew's making a big comeback

Nay: Uch, I used to read so much Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys

Michael: There's a new series, a new pilot being shot right now?

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Brennan: My interest extends as far as Katt Shea is involved

Nay: I hear that. I wish she would come talk to us about Stripped to Kill

Michael: The Nancy Drew pilot got picked up according to Deadline, so

Mark: I was sort of just wondering (chuckles) because I feel like one of the, like the nicest thing I can say about Vampyros Lesbos is that it was, for you, as a queer woman, a positive experience in that you were like, "I don't care how fucking male gaze ridiculous this is, I am going to just take this at its face." And I was like, oh, that's really nice, because as a gay man, I was like, "This is the most."

Nay: (as Mark) "This shit boring." Yeah

Mark: It was like snoozefest. It makes lesbian sex look like, I mean, like they're narcoleptics

Michael: Yeah, like they're on Ambien or something

Mark: Literally on Ambien! But you, but I love that you loved it. And I, you know

Nay: Well, I actually just wrote down so that I wouldn't forget, earlier you had mentioned something about how it represents sex with queer women

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Nay: And I'm like, oh, I don't know if that was necessarily realistic. It's realistic for someone, probably, but that wasn't, I definitely-- yeah, I wasn't watching it thinking like, "Oh, wow. That is so on-point and interesting." And definitely Franco's male gaze, his gaze of anything is just like, I will probably never understand it. But because of the way it somehow highlights, well, for me, again what kept coming up was just, I dunno. Linda had been distraught. Like she was having dreams about Nadine--

Mark: She was bored with that boyfriend

Nay: She was so bored with her man

Michael: Mmm-hmm

Mark: Oh my God

Nay: The therapist was literally like, "I don't know what to tell you. Fuck someone else."

Michael: "Go and fuck her"(?)

Mark: What would you do if your therapist--

Michael: You need to get a better therapist

Mark: Mid-share, got up and just started looking over you and saying--

Michael: And put down his pad of drawings

Mark: Yeah, and was like, "You need to get dicked down."

Nay: Yeah, no

Mark: My God, his pad of drawings!

Michael: Doodling as she's talking

Nay: I paused it to be like, "What is this drawing of?"

Michael: Is he drawing what she's talking about? But then no, it was stick figure people

Mark: My favourite part of it as she's telling this whole dream, while she's talking about these dreams and these feelings she has, and how like, "This dream actually makes me cum," and his first words are, "You know, you're not really interesting, you're not unique."

Michael: Yeah. "You're not a special person."

Mark: Like, "This is pretty run-of-the-mill kind of shit."

Michael: "Every woman's sexually frustrated or something," is what he says

Mark: I know!

Nay: Yeah. I wrote down what she, well, the translation, what the caption said: "The strange thing is, the dream arouses me." And I was like, "Oh, that's so interesting that you find that strange." And I think for a lot of people who haven't come to terms with their queerness, I can remember specific instances of being like, "Oh, that's kinda weird that I liked that, or I thought about that or I followed up on that."

Michael: Yeah yeah yeah

Nay: I just thought it was cute. She's like, "The strange thing is, it aroused me." Girl, it's not that strange!

Michael: I remember being a teenager and watching Goonies and being like, "Josh Brolin is doin' something to me. That's weird."

Nay: "How strange!"

Mark: Stop. Stop.

Nay: Yeah

Michael: What?

Mark: Don't start

Nay: I wrote down a few other quotes from the movie that I loved

Michael: Oh. Let's talk about The Goonies (laughs)

Mark: Nope

Nay: (chuckling) Moving on

Mark: Nope, not gonna do it. Can't make me

Nay: Oh God, I wrote down, "Listen Linda," that's not a quote from that movie. "Men still disgust me. I hate them all." I was like, that's great. Love that, that's moving, okay?

Mark: Mmm-hmm

Nay: "She was inside me and now she's gone. Nobody can save me." I'm like, damn, you're fiending for real, fiending for real

Michael: (deep voice) "Nadine"

Mark: "You been Nadine'd!" (makes air horn noises)

Michael: (sings dance music beats)

Mark: Untz-untz-untz

Michael: Who was it that said that? Was it Agra or was it…?

Nay: It was Agra

Mark: Oh, Courtney Love! Yeah, she looked like Courtney Love sometimes

Michael: Oh, with the clown dild? Yeah

Nay: Yo

Michael: Oh, girl

Mark: What was up with the clown dild?

Nay: I mean, anything's a dildo if you try

Michael: I don't know

Mark: Dildo. Nightmare. Dildo Nightmares

Nay: Dildo Nightmares

Mark: By the way, I just want everyone listening to know that I was in the middle of eating something, and before we recorded, Nay-- I'm in the middle of eating a snack and Nay is like, "Hey, did y'all see what's on Dildo Nightmares today?" And I shit you guys not, it looked like someone had stuffed a Whopper Jr. into a Fleshlight

Michael: (laughing) Whopper Junior!

Mark: It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Please, carry on

Nay: Yeah, that was so rude of me, you were like mid-chew

Mark: It was actually-- no, it's rude, but I salute you

Nay: Oh. Awww, thank you

Mark: I was like, "That's well-played."

Michael: I can't get past the fact that you said, "Whopper Jr.."

Nay: For real. A Whopper in a--

Mark: A full Whopper wouldn't have fit!

Michael: (laughing) "Whopper Jr., no onions."

Brennan: This reminds me of a story that has nothing to do with anything--

Mark: The Whopper Jr. in a Fleshlight?

Brennan: It's very brief-- it does

Mark: Oh

Brennan: Someone who I knew in high school who will remain nameless--

Michael: McDonald's sells one with the Big Mac

Brennan: Filled a bag with warm ramen and cut a hole in it and had sex with it

Michael: Oh, wow

Mark: I have to go now

Nay: Oh my God, I used to be obsessed with people's stories about different things that they fucked or like, got fucked with when I was young. And being like, "Oh my God, my Mom caught me trying to use a hot dog, or a cucumber."

Michael: Wow

Nay: I'm not saying that was me, I'm saying me listening to the story

Brennan: Yeah, the stories are fascinating

Nay: Yeah, I'm like, "You did what?"

Michael: I knew a kid in high school who used to stick his dick in between the couch cushions

Nay: I hear that's a popular one

Michael: I feel like you'd get like dick burn

Mark: I don't understand how people don't get dick burn from that

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: I'm certain they did

Michael: Yeah

Brennan: You know, you're young, you bounce back

Nay: You're like, "Worth it." (laughs)

Michael: This is like, Nineties

Mark: Well, when I was young and in that janky mental hospital in Turkey, I used a clown dildo like a normal person

Nay: Hello

Brennan: I thought that it looked like the Pope to me

Michael: Agra's dildo?

Brennan: Yeah. Didn't it have a pointy hat?

Mark: Wow. Talk about cognitive dissonance. "Hi, Pleasure Chest? Do you guys have that Pope dildo?"

Michael: I definitely thought it was a clown, right? "Ah, Pope Francis, not Benedict."

Mark: Yeah, thank you. "I'm not a crazy person!"

Nay: Yeah, come on!

Mark: (haughtily) "I am a lady!"

Michael: (haughtily) "I'm a respectable human!"

Nay: Yeah, The Pleasure Chest, doing good work out here

Mark: God's work

Nay: And I guess it's not just in L.A.. New York, too

Michael: I'm all about sex aids

Nay: (stammers) Yeah!

Michael: Sexual aids for sexual activities

Mark: No, we understood what you meant

Nay: That's not why we paused, Michael! (laughing) We get what you mean!

Mark: We were being polite

Michael: We clearly have a lot to say about this movie

Mark: Listen, when you're under Draculohan's spell…

Mark: Okay, what I don't understand is, it was interesting the ways that Vampyros Lesbos chose to either consciously or unconsciously play with vampire lore. For example: Draculohan states in a mirror right at the top of the show, and she's like, (as Draculohan) "I've got panties and I'm gonna--"

Michael: (as Draculohan) "Give 'em to the woman over there!"

Mark: (as Draculohan) "Give 'em to the lady with the candelabra!"

Nay: Oh my God. I was thinking, "You're lucky that person can fit in your clothing." I like that

Mark: I mean--

Michael: Yeah

Nay: I'm like, "That's cute."

Michael: Next scene (Draculohan's) sitting on a deck, sun tanning

Mark: Uh-huh

Michael: The next scene we see her in she's out in the sun

Mark: But she's also like, she gets real tired. I've never seen vampire stories where it's like, (as Draculohan, weakly) "I'm dying because I haven't--

Michael in unison with Mark: "Fed in two days."

Mark: And I'm like, I thought they just get like wackier and crazier when they haven't fed

Nay: I think she was fiending too, a little bit

Mark: Guess so

Nay: Yeah. She like needed to be needed and wanted. I mean, if you're putting out what Nadine's putting out, you tired probably

Michael: Draculohan?

Nay: Yeah

Mark: Listen, I'm not gonna lie. If we're gonna talk about, "Who's the lesbian vampire that you wanna take to bed?" For me, it's always gonna be Miriam Blaylock. It's just now and forever, I'm never going to be able to let her go. But Nadine-- I just love that Countess Nadine (laughs)

Michael: I know

Mark: It's just the most random name for a vampire

Michael: "Countess Nadine"?

Mark: "Scene One… Let's see, what'll we call her? I know! Countess Nadine!" Like I just love that that's what they (laughs)

Michael: "Got it!"

Mark: I just love it so much!

Michael: And then Agra

Mark: Agra

Michael: I love Agra

Nay: Agra-vated

Michael: Uh-huh

Nay: Agra-vated

Mark: Agra, what a beautiful name. Agra.

Michael: Courtney Love…

Mark: "Hi, what's your name?"

Michael in unison with Mark: "Agra"

Nay: I was thinking, these two things that are happening at the same time, where these women are like obsessed with Nadine, and then you know, Memmet is obsessed with Linda and like wants her, but wants to kill her--

Michael: Which, I didn't get there, but I get it

Nay: And she flirts with him to get away, so you know, she can kill him with a saw or whatever. Wait, that is who she kills with it, right?

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Mark: She kind of bumps him with a hacksaw--

Michael: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Mark: Which, if she did that and killed him?

Nay: I'm like, "Good on you! That placement must have been perfect."

Mark: I'm like, Linda's been hittin' the gym, 'coz that's like, wow

Nay: Yeah

Michael: She cut through a very tender piece of him

Nay: Right

Mark: It is interesting how violence at the hands of a male in Vampyros Lesbos is presented as like, grotty and dark and blech. But violence at the hands of Nadine (beat) is like a party

Michael: Essential, that's--

Nay: I'm like, how did Franco know that meant men are disgusting and women aren't? Like how did he…?

Mark: I guess Jess Franco was like, (as Jess Franco) "I wanna make a movie called Vampyros Lesbos!"

Michael: (as Jess Franco)."I am disgusting!"

Brennan: He had an ounce of self-awareness?

Mark: Yeah!

Michael: Someone explain it to me, please. What was (Memmet) trying to do with Linda and the woman he had tied up before? I didn't understand. Was he just a killer?

Nay: He's just a torturer

Mark: Yeah, he's just a serial killer

Michael: It really had nothing to do with the rest of the story, it just happened to be--

Nay: No

Mark: Killer bellboy

Michael: A wandering killer bellboy.

Michael: The casting was also a little confusing, too, 'cause Agra looked like Linda, and then the first girl he had tied up I thought was Nadine

Mark: I know

Michael: So I was like, "Okay, this makes sense, but…"

Nay: You already know I was like, at different points in the movie, I was like, "Oh that's the same person. Oh no they're different people. Oh wait, it's a different person." I thought I was doing that thing where I mix white women up and I was like, "Oh, no!" Like really, this whole time I was like, "When did Linda go to the asylum?"

Michael: (as Nay) "When did she get a haircut?"

Nay: Right. And I was like, "Is that supposed to be--"

Mark: (announcer voice) "Jess Franco's Which White Woman Is This?"

Michael: I got you, Boo, I was like that too

Mark: I know. I definitely was like, I definitely had my white women confused

Michael: And there's a part where I was like, "Well, this is a cheap movie. Maybe it is the same person playing another character--"

Nay: Right. Sounds like something he would do

Michael: Yeah

Mark: I love movies of this period, like Hammer movies or whatever, where the blood always looks like chunky Ragu?

Michael: Yeah, or like plastic

Mark: Classic. I love it

Nay: Why so phlegmy? It kind of reminded me of cum, though, you know, when (Nadine) first bit the neck--

Mark: It's all ropy and shit?

Nay: Yeah

Michael: (grossed out chuckling) Oh my God!

Mark: That is nasty. I was like, "Okay!"

Nay: Yeah, I was like, that's--

Michael: She was shootin' ropes?

Nay: Oh my God

Mark: Michael

Nay: Get tied up…

Mark: Producer Brennan is fanning himself

Brennan: (laughing) Yeah!

Nay: She said she felt happiness in my arms through my torture

Michael: Ooooh

Brennan: Ooooh

Michael: Gimme

Mark: Mmm-kay

Nay: Yeah

Mark: "This is how you throw a party in Istanbul."

Nay: (laughing) Yeah!

Michael: I think I had texted you this, or said something about this, I kept-- it felt very, to me it felt like a companion piece to Let's Scare Jessica to Death in just the way it was shot and filmed and acted, all that kind of stuff. And I think it goes along with what you were saying about the period, and kind of doing movies on the cheap, and there's something kind of charming about that, you know?

Mark: Oh very much so

Michael: Like if that movie was made in the Eighties in the same way, it wouldn't have the same, like, it wouldn't feel the same. I don't know if it's because the locations were so gorgeous--

Nay: 'Coz that soundtrack would not have been as funky in the Eighties

Michael: Yeah. What was that guy doing the opening song, Mark?

Mark: Okay, so there's like this wurlitzer kind of, it just-- and every now and then, there's an almost Buffalo Bill-esque kind of like man in the background going, (deep voice) "AWWWWWWWW." And it's so-- the first time I heard it, I was like, "What was-- whatever, it doesn't matter. I just kept like-- no, I heard it again. What is-- Who's the man?"

Michael: It sounds like someone had a police scanner on the side that was like being cut into that

Mark: Also that. I did love all these random cutaways.

Michael: Yes!

Mark: Like the first shot of the movie is like, "Look, a boat! Just kidding!"

Michael: Yeah. "Here's a ship!" So many boat shots

Mark: "Somewhere in a club, we're in a club!" And then it's like, "Look, lesbian sex! Look, a doggie!" (deep voice) "Look, a scorpion! A scorpion in the pool!"

Michael: Did the scorpion represent anything?

Nay: Yes!

Mark: Well, a predator

Nay: And it dies when (Nadine) does

Michael: Yeah, that's true. Everyone kept staring at that scorpion

Mark: Predatory lesbians

Nay: You know how lesbians love astrology

Michael: Oh yeah yeah yeah

Nay: There are lesbians watching this like, "Nadine's a Scorpio for real!"

Mark: They're just silently nodding like, "I knew it."

Michael: "This movie gets it."

Nay: You know what I hated? I am assuming Franco didn't mean for like, someone like me to walk away from this movie being like, "Oh wow, yes. Women are amazing, women on women forever." I doubt that, right, but for me, that is what happened. But then I think about how Nadine, she was raped, right, and then started like, her life with women. And not that that's not anyone's story, of course that can be someone's story for sure, but I like, "Okay, I didn't necessarily appreciate the narrative of just like, 'Men are so scary and that's why I like women.'"

Michael: Right

Nay: Although I'm totally fine with that. But like--

Michael: No, yeah. I get what you're saying

Michael: I have a question

Nay: Yeah

Michael: So I was reading a review of this movie, and in the review, they said, "Linda could be described as a Van Helsing making moral choices despite her attraction to Nadine." What do you guys think? In ways, yeah, I don't feel like she was necessarily hunting her for like, the hunt. She was hunting her 'coz she wanted to get down, right?

Nay: Yeah

Mark: I mean most of the time whenever Linda was in a scene--

Michael: Linda (laughs)

Mark: I got the impression that she wasn't even sure how she got there--

Nay: Yeah!

Mark: She just sort of--

Michael: She did!

Mark: For example, Linda had kind of a goldfish thing going on where she's in her hotel and she's like, (as Linda) "I'm gonna wander around in this teddy and see what I find." And she goes down to the cellar--

Michael: And has the jump scare

Mark: She sees a woman tortured!

Michael: Yeah!

Mark: And she's like (as Linda) "Oh my God!" (normal voice) And she runs away--

Michael: And then like never--

Mark: And then cut to: (as Linda) "Well, time to get on a boat and go see Countess Nadine!"

Michael: Yeah

Mark: And I was just like, "W-what? What happened?"

Michael: Linda, back up there

Nay: Listen, Linda

Michael: "Listen, Linda." (laughs)

Mark: Now again, like Vampyros Lesbos is almost critic-proof because in a sense, the thing that makes it totally inept in terms of storytelling is also its greatest virtue. Like that kind of dream logic, which is no logic--

Michael: I kind of love it!

Mark: Right

Michael: Yeah

Mark: Is why I'm just like, "Vampyros Lesbos is kind of a blast!"

Nay: Right

Michael: As soon as I read that, I was like, "Okay! I'll go with that."

Mark: Yeah. But I also remember that specific cut I was talking about, that's when I just stopped being annoyed with the movie and started being like, "All right, fine. Sure."

Michael: Well I think even later on even once or twice she's like, "I don't know what happened. I can only remember specific things, or…"

Nay: What's her man's name? He keeps telling her like, "It was a dream."

Mark: What was his name? Was it Omar? No

Michael: Was it?

Nay: No

Michael: There was Morfo--

Nay: Mofo-- (chuckles) Mofo!

Mark: No, it was Omar!

Michael: It was Omar, yeah

Mark: Her boyfriend's name was Omar

Nay: Yeah. He's like gaslighting the shit out of her

Michael: Mmmmm-hmm

Mark: Oh, at the end he's like, "Oh that never happened."

Nay: Right

Michael: Yeah

Mark: It's like, "Excuse me!"

Michael: He's givin' her bad "D"

Nay: She knows. She knows it was real

Mark: She stuck a hairpin through Nadine's face, which is kind of rough

Michael: Ooof

Nay: Yo

Mark: That was a lot

Nay: You have to split the skull open, or--

Michael: Yeah, I did love the shot of the eye though

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Even though it looked, it was like totally fake--

Mark: "I call this one 'The Lesbian Breakup!'"

Nay: Lesbian Bed Death, for real

Mark: For real

Michael: And all while this stupid-ass doctor's running around

Nay: Oh my God

Mark: He was like, "You're a lesbian vampire who hates men! Take me!"

Nay: "Please turn me!"

Mark: I was like, "You're a terrible doctor!"

Michael: And I love that like eighty minutes into the ninety-minute movie we learn that he's researching vampires. This could've been useful at the fifteen-minute mark

Mark: Oh my God. Any time it was only men on screen talking I was like, "Ohhhh-kay."

Michael: Well they were all gaslighting, he was gaslighting Agra the whole time

Mark: I mean, was she a patient or a prisoner?

Michael: I couldn't tell the difference. And that's why I was like, at least giving him the benefit of the doubt and it was like a mental hospital and he was like in charge of her. But when you find out he was really researching vampires, she was kidnapped

Mark: Poor Agra

Michael: I know

Mark: Justice for Agra

Nay: Justice for Agra

Michael: Thank God she had that clown dildo

Mark: (chuckling) The clown dildo

Nay: Yeah, get her, see if she wants a different dildo

Mark: Maybe

Michael: At least clean that one

Nay: If that's your thing, fine. But, right. Are you able to boil this clown?

Michael: You got any wipes that she's able--

Mark: (laughing) "Are you able to boil this clown?"

Nay: You know, 'coz it's like all the rest of us, you know, we're throwing these--

Mark: "Is this clown dishwasher safe??"

Nay: Exactly. We're throwing all the dicks in a pot--

Michael: Oh my God, on Broad City--

Nay: On the stove

Michael: Did you ever see the Broad City, what's the, not Ilana…

Mark: Abbi

Michael: Abbi starts dating a guy that likes to be pegged

Mark: Yes

Michael: (laughing) And she puts his peg in the dishwasher

Mark: Yep

Michael: And it like, melts?

Mark: Yep

Nay: Some of them are dishwasher safe though

Michael: He gets so pissed

Nay: Right. Some of that shit's expensive

Michael: Such a great episode. But yeah (laughing) "Clean this clown dildo."

Nay: Right? "Can I clean this?" 'Coz didn't we talk about BV a few episodes ago? Talk about plastic yeast infections, okay?

Michael: Yeah

Mark: Oh God, another highbrow hour with the Attack of the Queerwolf gang

Michael: Plastic for her, sand for the other two

Nay: Yeah. Honestly this movie--

Michael: Ooof

Mark: Woof

Nay: I just hope everyone's pH balance was on point

Mark: I mean, I just felt like, I mean, leaving the beach, like walking away you could hear like, "Skrunch, squirt squirt squirt…"

Nay: Yeah

Michael: Like six weeks later there's glass?

Mark: "Oh, it's so beautiful here! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Crunch, crunch crunch…

Nay: Like I'm sore and I don't like it for once

Mark: You know, we do have a bit of a surprise for our listeners…

Brennan: Before that beautiful moment, Nay did ask me to collect some clips of just moans from the movie that I'd like to play

Michael: Gimme!

Brennan: It's just like ten seconds and I had to boost the audio a lot because (softly) means are quiet and eh, but here's a bit of it

(Moans from the movie are played for a few seconds before a familiar reggae song starts playing along with them.)

(Everyone laughs)

Mark: No! Noooooo! Oh no!

Nay: Oh my God

Michael: (sighs happily)

Mark: The return, the return of--

Nay: The return

Michael: Reggae?

Brennan: Of High Tension?

Mark: Of High Tension. Of (with a French accent) Marie

Michael: Reg-sturbation?

Nay: They could play that, I would say that there's definitely a party named after the soundtrack for this movie, which is "Vampyros Lesbos: Sexadelic Dance Party". So obvs I'd have a party in its honor

Michael: Yeah

Mark: Michael, don't you remember, we talked about for our listeners, sort of recreating that Soledad Miranda scene for our listeners--

Nay: Yeah

Mark: At the end of the show

Nay: Mmm-hmm

(Brennan starts playing music from the movie)

Nay: Oh, I gotta go

Mark: Nay, will you hold this candelabra?

Michael: You're moving too fast

Mark: Mmmm

Nay: Sorry, I've gotta put my bra on Michael. C'mere!

Mark: (feminine voice) "Mmmm, my panties itch."

Michael: "Give 'em to me!"

Mark: (feminine voice) "I'm gonna take them off!"

Michael: (feminine voice) "I'm gonna give you my leggings!"

Mark: (feminine voice) "Okay! Mmmmm. Oh, this scarf just keeps flapping around." (normal voice) Okay, you know how they have to get like the hair in the face constantly?

Michael: Yes, constantly

Nay: Constantly

Michael: And the woman's holding a candelabra the whole time? That shit's heavy

Mark: Yeah

Nay: And dangerous

Michael: (hums along with the music for a moment) It's like a cross between sexy times and a Seventies game show like The Match Game

Mark: Yeah

Nay: Yeah

Mark: It's too bad we're not a video podcast, then people could see that we did this whole episode naked in honor of Vampyros Lesbos

Nay: They know

Mark: (laughing) "They know"!

Michael: I have the panties that tie on the side

Nay: Right

Mark: Oh! Side-tying panties, yeah!

Nay: Like, you thought ahead and I am impressed, okay?

Mark: Nadine with the side-tie

Nay: Hot

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