Episode 1: "Problematique"

''This week the queers discuss the 2003 flick HIGH TENSION! Mark Fortin shows off his flawless French accent, Michael Kennedy analyzes reggae lyrics, and Nay Bever spills the tea on some very memorable dreams. Plus, in our Tea Time segment, we catch up on POSE, THE CHILDREN, and Jenny McCarthy's haunted house! Lethal credenzas, imported salads, and so much more await you in this debut episode! ''

Tea Time
Michael and Mark: Pose season 1

Mark: Marlina the Murderer in Four Acts; Jenny McCarthy’s “My house is haunted” video on Facebook

Nay: The Children; Keeping Up With the Kardashians season 12

Shady Summaries
Mark: We could have just made a movie about a heroic queer woman, but nah.

Nay: See a lesbian masturbate to bad music… and then watch a bunch of people get killed.

Michael: Join me as I roll my eyes to Uranus and back while witnessing a lesbian wish she had a dick so she can pee standing up and get severed head head.

Pride Float
(Qualified recommendations from Mark, Michael and Nay as it's a problematic fave. Producer Brennan is not a fan.)

Nay: That would be a cute float.

Michael: Just (Marie) holding that barbed wire thing and waving?

Nay: This credenza that keeps moving back and forth across the banister.

Mark: And then like, the blowjob head, it's being thrown out

Michael: And a bunch of queer men in cowboy outfits

Mark: And then the concrete saw….

Quotes
Mark: Honor the worthy, drag the rest.

Mark: Nay, as a queer woman, when did you go on your first murder spree? Was it early, were you a late bloomer, how many people was it?

Nay: I'm always a late bloomer so it's starting a few seconds from now.

Nay: I mean, sometimes in my dreams I have dreams where  I have a dick. It's really fun. I love it, actually. When I wake up I'm like, "Hell yeah."

Mark: What's the location?

Michael: A big truck.

Nay: Of the dick?

Mark: I mean, that's a follow-up question. I just meant physically where are you in the dream?

Michael: Everywhere? Different places?

Nay: Yeah. I could be sitting here at a table with y'all, huge dick.

Michael: I hope so. It's really cool, y'know, but that's, of course, not everyone's dream.

Mark: I never remember my dreams. I wonder if i ever dreamed about having a vagina.

Nay: I think it's really fun when I have dreams about having a penis. One time I told my mom about having it when I was younger. I was like, "Mom, I just had this dream where I had like a huge penis." And she was like, "Ugh. How did you get so secular?" She was like shaming me.

Michael and Mark: Damn.

Nay: I know, right? I was like, "Oh no," because I'm this bad kid 'coz I had this dream, as if you can control your dreams and so when I have a dick dream now I'm like, "Hell yes." Swing, swing.

Michael: You like, text your mom an eggplant?

Nay: Yeah.

Michael: 'Morning, Ma.

Mark: "I had the dream again."

Michael: I’m all for kid murder in movies. Give it to me.

Nay: Slut-shaming does bring death.

Mark: Everyone suffers when you slut-shame. Don’t do it, don’t tolerate it.

Michael: Being in the closet doesn't turn you into something you're not.

Mark: Had they ended the movie with one big old Inception-like and she's just in-

Michael: And she's in a straitjacket

Nay: And she's still masturbating to that song?

Mark: To reggae? Yeah, all gay people masturbate to reggae.

Michael: She masturbated herself to psychological serial killing.

Mark: I thought you were going to say to mental health.

Mark: (Marie) didn't get to achieve orgasm, did she?

Michael: Yeah, she prevented herself from achieving it because then she invaded the house from outside the house.

Nay: She's like, "I'm so into edging that I'm literally going to go downstairs and kill the dog first and THEN cum."

Mark: Not since 1980's Windows have lesbians been so poorly portrayed on-screen.

Nay: I think that's like an idea that some folks have, is that lesbians want dicks. What I would hope is that people would realize that that's fine if someone did not have a dick and wanted it. I also wish they would think about how some lesbians do have dicks because they are trans women. And also, a lot of people with vaginas can pee standing up. I certainly can. I always have been able to. That's kind of how I knew that I was a little gay, 'coz I was seven and I was standing in a circle of all these kids at the pool, and the toilet was nasty 'cause it's the pool and I was like, "I'm not using that."

Michael: Why are all pool toilets gross?

Mark: Are you an X-Man? That's amazing.

Nay: I am a mutant. It's actually not as amazing as you think, the ability to pee standing up. But I was just like, "Hell yeah I can pee standing up."

Mark: The nuance that Nay just brought to this entire subject (of peeing standing up) was not so much present in High Tension.

Brennan: Does Marie think she could get with Alex if she was a dirty trucker man? Is that Alex's ultimate fantasy?

Mark: If only our daughter hadn't brought home this evil lesbian.

Mark: I've never seen a lesbian harm an animal. That's like, the science fiction world that High Tension occupies, thank you very much.

Mark: Am I correct in asserting that if this film did not have this shitty plot twist at the end, and it was just a straight-up balls to the wall, like, slasher chase movie where this heroic queer woman saves her crush from this lunatic and they live to see another day and you know, do they end up together do they not end up together, whatever. Would we be talking about this as a classic right now?

Nay: My ideal version of this movie would be... you know in the beginning when they're riding to the parents' home, in the cornfield, the car pulls away. I would've killed my crush right then. Don't play games with me.

Mark: Oh, that sort of, "Get in the car," drive away, "Get in the car," drive away.

Nay: Fuck that. That's where this movie ends.

Michael: It's a seven minute short.

Nay: Exactly.

Michael: Nay's High Tension.

Nay: Crush over.

Michael: Nay's Medium Tension.

Mark: Credits.

Michael: Where the fuck was the (concrete saw)? Was it in (Marie's) overnight bag?

Nay: And why are you turning it on before you go, before you even get...? That's what I always wonder, people are always running with these chainsaws and these like, saws, with them on. I would probably wait 'til I got closer, right?

Mark: Also, go to Home Depot, pick up a concrete saw and try to run down an aisle. Not gonna happen, let me tell you. Again, that cement saw, where did it come from?

Michael: It was in her diddy bag next to her toothbrush and on the other side of her toothpaste.

Mark: Surely Alex would have noticed it on the drive to the country. Like, "What's that for?" (Answering as Marie) "Oh, it's nothing. Oh well, I might plan to masturbate later and you never know!"

Brennan: "Cigarette?"

Mark: (As Marie) "Cigarette?"

Brennan: "Concrete saw?"

Mark: (As Marie) "Concrete saw?"

Michael: That saw is so fucking big.

Mark: It's HUGE!

Michael: How did this work? "Why do you have a saw-shaped suitcase?"

Mark: (As Marie) "What saw? I don't see a saw."

Nay: We all love a problematic fave.

Nay: If one of your friends slut-shames you early on, just leave 'em. You don't want someone you're supposed to love make you feel like shit. Or that you're supposed to love.

Next episode
Episode 2: "Gay for Grandpa"