Episode 5: "My Favorite Time of Day is Night"

''This week, the queers discuss the Grease 2 of slasher movies: 1981’s THE FAN, starring Lauren Bacall and a very young, very shirtless Michael Biehn. In this episode, Michael offers some pointers on Lauren Bacall’s hiding-from-a-killer technique, Nay does her best not to kink shame a psycho killer, and Mark tries to get to the bottom of what the hell the musical “Never Say Never” is even supposed to be about. Plus, in Tea Time we sip on THE OFFICE, the SUSPIRIA trailer, and… I don’t know, stuff. ''

Trivia
Blumhouse's token show tune queens coming from deep within one of Lauren Bacall's forgotten storage units in Pacoima and "we're buzzed from drinking all her leftover High Point instant coffee. 'Just look at that deep rich color!"' Mark adds Lauren Bacall to his roster of imitations. Mark introduces Brennan as the show's producer/incredibly demanding choreographer. "I'm the Kenny Ortega of this room." Brennan plays a High Point coffee commercial instead of the trailer for The Fan and then plays a High Point supercut. Episode title comes from the supercut. Mark still uses "Nervous Breakdowns" in place of Shady Summaries. Nay's sweatshirt features nipple kisses as seen here. Brennan scores Mark's dramatic readings from the novel with the score from the movie. The "Girl, no" moment of the movie is when Belle returns to work after getting her face slashed.

Tea Time
Nay: Deep rewatch/binge of The Office (US)

Nay: The more times I watch it through, this is an unpopular opinion, but Jim is an asshole.

Michael: I think that's a good take on him today. Like, looking back on him as a character, he was horrible to his office mate. Like, literally harassed him daily. Pined after the secretary who was engaged. He's like, pretty much a horrible human being.

Nay: Gaslighter, bully. Such a bully.

Mark: Well, so. Gillian Flynn's The Office.

Michael: It really is. Let's cut a trailer.

Mark: Yes. For anyone listening who has the spare time, we would really love to see a Gone Girl recut of The Office as a trailer.

Michael: Beat Bobby Flay; a lot of escapist fare like cooking shows

Michael: The only gaslighting there is on the stoves

Mark: Suspiria 2018 trailer, Thom Yorke's song for the movie

Mark: My body is ready.

Shady Summaries
Nay: This movie is a love triangle between two dykes, Lauren Bacall and her ex. Those are some dykes. They got divorced, they stayed best friends. And then they got back together. This is the largest gay relationship in this movie. A love triangle between two dykes who got divorced, but remain best friends who eventually get back together and then the obsessed fan of the celebrity lesbian in the relationship.

Mark: Interesting. Lesbian classic The Fan.

Michael: Watch a repressed man stalk a woman he actually wishes was his mother.

Mark: The Fan: Imagine The Bodyguard but no one can sing.

Brennan's Game
Devised with Mark for this episode.

Michael: Hot love baby, tonight!

Mark: Sally Ross, as she's being stalked is building up to the opening of her Broadway musical, Never Say Never. We're going to recap the scenes from the musical that we do get to see in The Fan.

Michael: That's the movie I want.

Mark: No shit, right? And then I'm gonna open it up to everyone so that we can actually figure out what the fuck the musical Never Say Never is actually about. Because I can't figure it out. It seems like insanity.

Mark: Never Say Never opens with a number called, "A Remarkable Woman." Basically, what it looks like is a bunch of chorus people in prom formal wear all hanging on different kinds of scaffolding singing about Sally Ross, who's about to come out in a shiny white pinstripe suit.

Michael: Like a zoot suit.

Mark: And they're all just singing about how great she is.

Brennan: Isn't it the set from American Idiot?

Mark: Probably

(Brennan plays the number from the movie, it ends with a squirt sound.)

Mark: Gorgeous

Michael: What was that sound at the end?

Mark: Then squirt. That was like a literal squirt.

Brennan: That was (Michael Biehn) washing his face, it cuts to that.

Mark: No, don't take this away from me. It's actually everyone in the audience squirting at the same time

Michael: Everyone in the theatre having a giant "O".

Mark: Because it was so good

Michael: It was such a big one they all came at the same time.

Mark: That's why you could hear it.

Mark: The next number involves, I guess, a sex policeman? Singing to prostitutes or sex workers? Something about being in Paris and there's no love in Paris?

(Brennan does not have that number ready, but offers to sing it. "In Paris," and that's the whole song. And it doesn't have Lauren Bacall, so.)

Mark: Speaking of Lauren Bacall going, "ehhh," the next number involves what I think is a rotating or circular bed?

Michael: It was like a clam bed.

Nay: So beautiful

Mark: It's a giant bed

Michael: Was it a shell bed?

Nay: It was gorgeous

Mark: No fewer than four chorus boys in, I guess dance belts, are writhing--

Michael: (in fey voice) Oh, super-striaght!

Mark: Writhing. Writhing around as she sings a number which we, at least, have entitled "Hot Love Baby, Tonight"

(Brennan plays the number.)

Michael: She just talks.

Mark: Finally, the big closing number is Lauren alone onstage with a cigarette because literally any excuse to smoke in this movie is really, she takes it, singing a song called, 'Hearts Not Diamonds.'

Michael: Seriously, what was the cigarette budget on this movie?

(Brennan plays the number and Mark sings along near the end.)

Mark: (whispers) Razzie nominee

Mark: Based on these snippets I need you guys to help me out here. What is this musical about?

Nay: It's, she's like, I'm gonna make money but I'm not good at making love.

Mark: For sure, that song. But I'm talking about the whole show.

Nay: I mean, that is what it's about.

Mark: Well, sure. But what's the plot?

Nay: I just wish I knew why he was obsessed with her. Like, I'm not saying she's not worthy of it--

Mark: Nay's refusing to even address the question. She's just like, "Does not compute. Does not compute."

Mark: Michael, what is Never Say Never about?

Michael: I don't know, because the lyrics to the music don't go along with the title of the musical.

Brennan: Would it help if I told you the title of the show in the book? The book has a different title. And it's, hold on to your butts, And So I Bit Him.

Michael: Da fuck? Is she a vampire?

Brennan: That's all I got.

Michael: I mean, I'm assuming it's about a woman pining after a man.

Mark: I guess?

Michael: Maybe it's supposed to be mirroring her relationship with James Garner in the movie.

Mark: Based on the first costume she wears, which is sort of like a Nathan Detroit-y pinstripe zoot suit, I sort of ran with it and was like, obviously this is about, "Sally plays a rich demented woman who has kidnapped a lot of young, nubile people to be her sex slaves. And she forces them to perform Guys and Dolls for her for eternity. And that's why she's dressed like that. And they're just singing about how amazing she is, and they're literally just begging her to fuck in that song."

Nay: That makes a lot more sense.

Michael: Okay, I think you nailed it.

Brennan: Can I chime in for a sec? I don't have a specific plot guess, but I do think that Damien Chazelle saw this musical in previews before he started drafting La La Land. Because, i mean, especially the song at the end is about how she's chasing fame and it lost her a guy and men are the most important thing in a woman's life, so it really affected her.

Mark: So was this her, "My aunt lived in Paris" moment?

Brennan: Yes, exactly. She did not jump into the river and she did the Emma Stone and now she's married to Thomas Hayden Church or something? I don't remember.

Mark: Hearts were not her strongest suit.

Michael: (mockingly) "I've been in L.A. for five years and it's been so long!"

Mark: She's an Emma Stone who stayed with Finn Wittrock. This is who Lauren Bacall is in this musical.

Michael: Oh, Finn Wittrock!

Mark: Michael literally just woke up.

Pride Float
Mark: Does this movie merit a Pride float?

Nay: No

Michael: No

Mark: It really doesn’t, does it? It’s really, like, there is a very sour kind of vindictiveness about—

Michael: There’s a meanness. It’s like I felt like somebody involved in the film was transferring their own self-hatred to this movie. Someone on that movie hated being gay.

Brennan: But does Never Say Never deserve a Pride float?

Michael: Absolutely

Mark: Brennan with the hard questions

Michael: It’s the bed. Pride float’s backstage

Mark: I think yeah. I think the Pride float is just literally Lauren Bacall on a bed, surrounded by go-go boys going like, "Hot love baby, tonight!"

Nay: On that bed

Michael: Over and over

Mark: I guess she looks at the audience like, "I’m gonna fuck all of ‘em!"

Michael: But she’s alone

Mark: And then two bars later, she’s like, "No love baby, tonight." And it’s just like, what happened?

Mark: You alienated four people? You were fresh and ready. What happened?

Michael: You alienated four people?

Nay: Been there done that.

Michael: (as Sally) "Oh, I got all gay guys."

Mark: She literally turned around, she looked and was like, "Ah shit."

Nay: Me every time. I’m like, "Son of a bitch."

Quotes
Brennan: Please don't pound on the table, Michael.

Michael: But I'm so happy!

Brennan: Pound on yourself. It's a healthy alternative.

Mark: Wow, okay. Family podcast.

Brennan: Zac Efron in High School Musical was very instrumental in being where I am today, so let's lay off.

Mark: I saw on Twitter today that apparently the reboot of High School Musical is about a high school production of High School Musical.

Michael: You're kidding

Mark: No.

Brennan: Oh my god, how did I miss this?

Mark: This is the Inception of YA

Brennan: Or it's The Town That Dreaded Sundown remake of High School Musical

Mark: I re-read the sentence like three times. I was like, what, what?

Brennan: Is it just gonna end with Zac Efron watching it like In the Mouth of Madness? Just like, in the theater watching High School Musical

Mark: His face covered in crosses and like he's in a straitjacket screaming?

Michael: Ugh, Ashley Tisdale's so gonna do it, isn't she?

Brennan: She's gonna be the teacher in this one. "Welcome to Miss Tisdale's homeroom."

Nay: My mom calls Zac Efron, "My new daddy."

Michael: Oh, girl.

Nay: She's like, "Your new daddy Zac Efron."

Michael: He's like ooof, yum. His muscles have muscles now, so it's kind of like, "Okay".

Mark: For those of you at home, Michael just made a face that made Nay go, "Oh my God".

Mark: Every time I saw a Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and (Dakota Johnson) was on-screen, I was like, she's making it work. I don't know.

Nay: Every time?

Mark: Right?

Nay: No, I mean how many times did you see it?

Mark: I saw the first two, I didn't see the third one.

Nay: I thought you meant like multiple times

Michael: But you saw The Matrix 432 times?

Nay: I thought you meant every time you went to see it

Mark: I would gather all my cats and be like, "It's time! Time to watch it again!"

Michael: "Time to sit down guys, it's Fifty Shades fiction time."

Mark: My favorite is the second one, where she's like, she has a line where she looks at him and she's like, "You are not putting that in my butt." That's an actual line

Brennan: Spoiler alert, he didn't

Mark: I know, I'm sorry guys

Michael: I have that bumper sticker

Mark: But, it's a testament to Dakota Johnson that she makes that work. I mean the moment, not the thing.

Michael: Does he have a big thing?

Mark: I don't know. They don't show it.

Michael: Do we ever see his thing?

Mark: No

Michael: So boring. I never bothered to see those movies.

Nay: Same

Mark: I know. Well, I guess those movies are for people that don't understand PornHub or I don't know.

Michael: RedTube

Nay: I know. I got those down. I should've mentioned that in what I was watching this week.

Michael: Just some DP action?

Nay: Gettin' gangbanged DP

Brennan: What about La Casa de las Flores because you watched some after our recording last week.

Nay: I literally watched so little of it and then went right to the gangbang porn.

Brennan: And The Office, apparently

Mark: I'll shuttle between…

Nay: Flipping back and forth between The Office and gangbang porn

Brennan: I mean, that's basically what La Casa de Las Flores is, but close enough. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

Mark: (on the High Point coffee ads) Basically every commercial was (Lauren Bacall) going, "I'll probably die if I have caffeine! So thank god I drink this. I've had twelve cups already."

Michael: "I need this to poo."

Michael: (on the High Point coffee ads) Her voice hurts me

Michael: (after Miss Bacall seems to particularly enjoy a cup of High Point) Was she drinking that through her vagina?

Mark: What’s a stan gotta do to be noticed by his queen?

Michael: Two things really popped out at me. One is the inspector. That’s not an American term, is it? Are the cops in New York City ever called an inspector? The whole movie I kept being like, "Did a Canadian write this?" It just kept throwing me that (Lauren Bacall) kept saying, "The inspector’s here."

Mark: What are you trying to say about Canadians, Michael?

Michael: (sighs) So much.

Michael: My biggest thought is just that I wanted more musical numbers. More!

Mark: The musical numbers are spectacularly, um, confusing.

Michael: They’re so confusing.

Mark: In a literal sense, I think the movie is a failure.

Michael: It’s like the Grease 2 of slasher movies.

Mark: It has that quality. It wouldn’t read as exploitation if it took the time to examine how the star system leaves celebrities vulnerable to violent lunatics, you know? If it shows how that lifestyle can lead you to meeting people or letting people into your life that are, you know, that are dangerous. This movie is like, "This guy’s crazy because… gay?"

Michael: It’s what we’re finding to be a common theme among some of the movies we’re discussing.

Mark: That’s what’s fascinating to me about the fan is that the big sort of takeaway of the movie is that they’re like, "This woman is being stalked by a man who will stop at nothing to possess her."

Michael: Right

Mark: "But we don’t want him to really possess her. We want to make sure he’s like, going to the Y and cutting up, y’know, hot guys who just finished playing squash. And also he’s going to gay bars—"

Michael: Or the one who blew (Michael Biehn)

Mark: Or the one that blew him on a rooftop. It’s like, it’s very strange to me, the mixed messaging of The Fan, in the sense that, y’know, it would be enough for just a young man who’s obsessed with Lauren Bacall and is just like, whether it’s a mother fixation or romantic fixation, but to just want to be close to her. And yet they just keep muddying the waters with this sort of homo means crazy subtext and I just wanted to know what you guys made of that. If it bothered you or if you had fun with it and just didn’t give a shit.

Nay: Well, when (Michael Biehn) went to blow the guy on the roof—

Michael: Or get blown

Nay: Or get blown, yeah, sorry. Not the same.

Mark: Details, details

Nay: I was thinking while they were cruising each other, one: how jealous I was that that was so easy. Sat a beer down next to homeboy and walked away.

Mark: I know, that was like, he really did, all he did was just like, "clunk".

Nay: Like, oh, eye contact?

Michael: And he happened to get the guy that was closest in height and looks and hair color

Nay: And they just went up to the roof.

Mark: I wonder what bar that was. That must've been a real gay bar.

Nay: It just felt like that was his most accessible, who he could kill right then.

Michael: I wondered a lot during the movie if they even realized what they were doing. I bet they were doing it like, "Ooh, we're doing it as this guy will do anything at all costs to get this woman," and it's like, mmmm, he's gay. And he's fixated on this woman, as a means to bury his homosexuality. Or to fill some void with his mommy issues. Something. It's muddy. It's very muddy here, because what was his motivation here? Love is what they say, but it's just…

Nay: Love is not wanting to fuck someone with a meat cleaver. Probably. Like, maybe.

Mark: "I'm gonna go out on a limb here…"

Nay: I don't wanna kinkshame nobody, okay, but.

Michael: Dearest bitch…

Mark: "Dearest bitch," is an all-timer.

Michael: It's the best start to a letter ever.

Mark: That's the thing about the movie, though, the movie is kind of great because it's so deliriously stupid in terms of, like, it has no idea why this character is obsessed with Sally Ross.

Mark: My favorite thing about the plays that she's doing, they sound like things that like, Lauren Bacall said to like, a PA when she was pissed off.

Michael: And there's someone (whispering) "Write that in there. Write it in!"

Mark: At the beginning, she's in a play called It's Called Tomorrow. "Miss Bacall could we just have you for five more minutes?" "It's called tomorrow!" "Yes, Miss Bacall, I'm so sorry."

Michael: "That's a great title for a play."

Mark: Exactly. And the last one is like, Never Say Never, which, I don't know what she would say that to, but it sounds like something she would toss off--

Michael: She probably said it to her ex

Mark: She flips a cigarette at him

Michael: "Do you think we'll ever get back together?" "Never say never."

Michael: I kept laughing at all the titles because it reminded me of Seinfeld and all the fake titles they would have on that show that were always so amazingly--

Mark: A little purple and over the top?

Michael: Death Blow was the action movie they would always talk about, or Sack Lunch was like the family comedy. The poster for that was a family inside a giant brown paper bag. So I just kept thinking about that and how clever that was of Seinfeld, but you know with this movie, this was like the final choice of many options and they were like, "Solid. I could see that on a marquee. Never Say Never."

Mark: You could see Elaine and Jerry lining up to see Never Say Never and then after the show they would be like, "What was that?!"

Michael: But the producers of The Fan thought that was a very solid title of the show in the movie. "Gold. We hit gold, baby."

Mark: They were like, "That sounds like Broadway, right?"

Mark: Brennan was so kind as to dig up the book, The Fan.

Brennan: I'm a TRUE fan.

Mark: And then, to not only read it, but to flag the parts with little bookmarks that say, and I quote, "gay shit".

Michael: So it's not as frequent in the book?

Brennan: It's about as frequent as it is in the movie. At least in the terms of when there are gay characters in it.

Michael: I only see three "gay shit" bookmarks.

Mark: Well, it seems to come mostly towards the conclusion.

Mark does dramatic readings from the novel:

June 1st, 1976

Dear Sally,

''I have just had one of the most delightful afternoons, thanks to you. And I simply had to sit down and write my favorite bitch all about it. It all started last night when I went to dinner at local eatery The Golden Spoon. The food is, at best, undistinguished, but the ambience is pleasant enough and the price is not unduly high. As I was sitting there dining on a somewhat overdone cheeseburger and soggy french fries, my gaze happened to wander to two "gay" boys sitting nearby.''

Mark: The word gay is in quotes.

Brennan: To be fair, he does do that a lot. Just for most words, like "blender".

Mark and Michael: He put even blender in quotes?

Brennan: I mean, i made that up, but--

Michael: I bought it

Mark: I was like, God, that's fascinating. What's that all about?

Brennan: He's not just necessarily demeaning gays, he is. But he does that a lot, he likes to act like he's superior when he's using the local language. Where he's like, "As they say, I took a 'taxi cab'," in quotes. He does that a lot.

Mark: Very superior. High self-regard, that's a mark of a sociopath.

Mark continues to read from the novel:

''Why these degenerates are called "gay" is obvious. They chattered away like deluded magpies, their voices shrill and all too animated. Of course their hands moved in unison with their speech, so that they had the appearance of fluttering southern belles.''

Michael: this guy is so jealous

Nay: Right? Because it sounds poppin'.

''Belles? Belle Goldman?''

Michael: I have to talk with my hands in my pockets, it's unfair!

What a sight these perverts were, and what a splendid idea they gave me.

Michael: "I will have sex with them."

Mark: Probably.

Mark: Oh, my God. The big takeaway from the book is that in the film, there's an extremely unconvincing conclusion with the last two minutes. Nay, can you describe why you don't like the last two minutes so that I might understand and maybe see if it's the same reason I hate it?

Nay: Well, it was just really disappointing. I thought once the riding crop came out, that you know, I was like, "Okay, it's about to get real gay, there's a riding crop."

Mark: I can finally turn off RedTube.

Nay: Yes. I don't know, I just wanted some like, high level manipulation out of Sally, you know?

Michael: It's fairly easy.

Nay: Yeah, and then a much more epic death than just like… I mean, a puncture wound to the neck is not a game, but I just, I just wanted more.

Mark: I know.

Nay: There was so much build-up.

Mark: You know the part that really drives me crazy about the conclusion is that, you know, there's that he, like, hits her and she turns away and she's facing away from him for awhile and then she turns around and she's like, "You're nothing but a little boy," blah blah blah and she does this whole--

Michael: You do the best voice

Mark: That does not sound like Lauren Bacall at all.

Michael: I don't care. I love it.

Mark: I sound like the mother in Psycho. But she just like dresses him down and he's like, "Oh my God, I can't believe she just dressed me down." And then she stabs him and that's it.

Michael: My thing is that if you're gonna fucking end this movie in a Broadway theatre, why the hell are you not on the stage doing this? Why doesn't the showdown end onstage, instead of in front of a set of chairs? And then she puts him in one!

Mark: First of all, yeah, she stabbed him and then she dragged him up?

Nay: I was like, "You lifted him up?" His dead weight. And sat him up.

Michael: And then she's hanging out in front of the stage after that.

Mark: I was like, did she check in his pocket for his ticket stub to be like, "Oh, this is your seat, let me drag you back."

Michael: "Oh, you were in A2, sorry."

Mark: The movie has a lot of problems, but I'm willing to-- my hot take is, that if the movie had the bravery or I dunno, the brazenness to end the way the book does, which is that she dies. He kills her and that's it. The end. The movie would leave you with like, a "Holy shit". And it might be remembered more fondly, but that ending which is just so kind of like, "I had my Broadway opening and I was triumphant and I also killed my stalker and everything's fine and give me my High Point coffee." And it's just so like, give me a fucking break.

Michael: They should do a sequel to this where she does a musical based on the experience.

Mark: It's called Dearest Bitch.

Michael: The thing is, the whole movie I never felt she was in danger. Like, ever.

Mark: Not really.

Michael: I mean, yeah, he was looking at her outside her building and watching her get in cars, and showed up at her dance rehearsal and stuff, but like, they never really cross paths until the end. He always ran away whenever she was around, you know what I mean? So like, I never felt any danger. It could've been, like you said, a good exploration of a fifty-something woman going through a transformation in life in many ways while also having this psychopath after her, but they focused on him for like half the movie. So I'm like, I have no interest in this guy. He's not threatening either, because he's like, in my face 24/7. It was like a two-handed movie between the two characters and it just made no sense to me.

Mark: This is why The Fan is camp, right? Because it's like you can't take it seriously for a second and it absolutely is guilty of completely sensationalizing an actual problem that resulted in many, predominantly actresses, getting brutalized.

Michael: The killer brought a Swiss Army knife out of his little tiny bathing suit. So great. Hottie Michael Biehn, though.

Mark: As one does. Listen, you've been to Equinox. Let me tell you, you'd better have your straight razor in your Speedos.

Mark: Does anyone have anything else they want to add about 1981's gay boondoggle The Fan? Michael, it seems like you have a list

Michael: I have so much, but it's just weird, very specific. Like how I have written here, "Dougie just wants a mom." "So they believed he slit his own throat and set himself on fire? Mmmkay." "Bad inspector, bad." Wouldn't the guy blowing him bite down when he got his throat slit?

Mark: Yes, technically

Michael: That part really triggered me when he killed the suitor and then set him on fire. I was like, he hates himself so fucking much. The lengths he's going through. In those moments it was really rough to watch, because I'm just like, God. Why do people think this is what it is to be a homosexual?

Mark: Well, it’s like he thinks that he has to go through all this to get to her, and it’s just like, all you have to do is just sort of take a carton of Dorals and sort of shake it outside the window and eventually Sally will come running.

Michael: Yeah, and freeze-dried coffee. Done.

Mark: Just sprinkle it on the ground and she’ll follow it.

Michael: Like breadcrumbs. A trail of coffee and cigarettes

Mark: And we say this not to disrespect Miss Bacall, she is a legend. Rightfully so, but this is not her finest moment.

Nay: I’m just wondering, would you go back to your job after you got your face slashed? Would you be like, "Here’s breakfast in bed! I’m back!"?

Mark: "Hey remember when you didn’t listen to me about your stalker? And he cut my face open? Anyway, I made you French toast!"

Nay: Just like, what co-dependent relationship

Mark: A little

Michael: Lezzies

Brennan: I just wanted to wrap up with my thoughts on The Fan, which can be summed up in five words. (Miss Bacall in one of the High Point coffee ads): "It’s a coffee-lover’s dream."

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